


it's got to be tough, cynical stuff

by imsosorry



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Birthdays, But ridiculously au, Canon Compliant, Comical overuse of the word 'threesome', Established Relationship, Failed threesomes, Friendship, Insecurity, M/M, Very unrealistic and dumb, boys being dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1502471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imsosorry/pseuds/imsosorry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Has Grimmy ever <i>said</i> that he wants to have a threesome?" Harry asks when Louis brings it up during rehearsals. He's already moaned about it to Zayn, who had laughed in his face, probably because there is no shortage of people willing to engage in a threesome with Zayn and Perrie. Harry's the obvious next choice. He <i>knows</i> Nick. He'd know, for instance, if there's someone in particular Nick has always fantasized about, and knowing Harry, he'd probably have their number.</p><p>(Or, the one where Louis tries to arrange a threesome for Nick's 30th birthday and fails terribly.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's got to be tough, cynical stuff

**Author's Note:**

> This is...something? The idea came to me in a daydream and I've reached the time of the year where I will do absolutely ANYTHING to avoid writing essays and studying for finals.
> 
> The whole story revolves around an established relationship and an under-negotiated threesome (Louis doesn't tell Nick about it at all) which is not cool. There's very little smut, which shows how well that goes. 
> 
> I think I've kind of established myself as an H/L fic writer, so if Tomlinshaw ain't your thing, definitely turn around now. There's a lot of H/L friendship in this fic, but Tomlinshaw is the romantic pairing and there's also a lot of allusions to Harry in casual relationships. Don't say I didn't warn you!
> 
> (Title from Keaton Henson's "Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?")

The problem, Louis thinks, is that there's no one to do it.

He'd always kind of thought that by this point in his career, he'd have accumulated a number of people to ring when the urge for a threesome arose. When the band was just beginning and the boys were all adjusting to their newfound fame, it had seemed like there would be no end to the one night stands and the kinky propositions. But, like all good things, it _had_ ended. The harsh reality is that he's got over five hundred contacts in his phone and not a single one that would be open to a secret gay threesome.

"Has Grimmy ever _said_ that he wants to have a threesome?" Harry asks when Louis brings it up during rehearsals. He's already moaned about it to Zayn, who had laughed in his face, probably because there is no shortage of people willing to engage in a threesome with Zayn and Perrie. Harry's the obvious next choice. He _knows_ Nick. He'd know, for instance, if there is someone in particular Nick has always fantasized about, and knowing Harry, he'd probably have their number.

"He doesn't have to say it," Louis insists. "Nick's kinky as fuck. Remember that time he told us about the sex club he went to where everyone had to wear masks?"

"Louis," Harry says in a very serious tone. It's hard to take him as seriously as he's taking himself, though, as he's currently balancing on his elbows with his crotch dangling in front of his face. From this angle, it looks like he could suck his own cock. "It's important to discuss this kind of thing before you just jump into it. It should be negotiated."

"I'm sorry, but - can you suck your own cock?" Louis asks dubiously, because that seems like the more pressing issue here.

Harry sighs exasperatedly and crumbles down gracefully from his weird sex yoga position, wiping invisible dust off of his pants and pointing a stern finger at Louis.

"This isn't a joke, Lou," he says. "This is your relationship and I'm not gonna let you screw it up. And yes."

+

Nick and Louis have a Very Important Skype Schedule while Louis is away on tour. They'd sat down before he left and discussed all the dates and times that worked best for them, and then recorded it all into one of Nick's many calendar apps. Nick is always trying to find an app that will organize his life - "I'm nearly _thirty_ , Lou, I've got to get my life in order!" - and he almost always forgets about it by the second week, but the Very Important Skype Schedule has stuck.

"Did you know Hazza can suck his own cock?" Louis asks, adjusting his laptop on his knees because he knows the downward-facing angle is more flattering.

Nick - himself at his dining room table under strategically-placed lighting; they're both terribly vain - takes a long sip of his wine and grins. "What the hell goes on in that tour bus?"

Louis laughs and takes a moment to just watch Nick. Even though he's thousands of miles away, there's something terribly, undeniably comforting about these Skype sessions. Louis likes to see Nick and his house and his dumb dog who always tries to dash across the keyboard. He likes that they Skype often enough that there's no noticeable changes in the surroundings - it makes him feel like there's something waiting for him, which. There is.

"You're turning thirty soon," Louis says in a slow, calm voice. He's learned that he can't just spring this information on Nick, who is liable to have a meltdown about his age at any given moment. It's best to approach the subject like one would approach a wild animal: with extreme caution and with the tacit understanding that things could get ugly.

Surprisingly, Nick just nods and says, "That is true."

"You're still coming out to Philly, right?" Louis asks carefully. He's chewing on his lip, a bit nervous. It's what they'd planned, and Nick had specifically said that there'd be "no better way to ring in thirty than with my fit young boyfriend" - but. Nick has a lot of _options_ , is the thing. He's got literally hundreds of friends that would be thrilled to spend the day with him, that would throw him a huge bash at a posh club at the drop of a hat, and it's hard to believe he'd prefer to fly out to Philadelphia for two nights to hole up in a hotel with Louis.

"Already printed the tickets, love," Nick says gently, like he knows exactly what Louis was thinking.

"I have a surprise for you," Louis says. He doesn't, yet, but he figures that if the threesome thing falls through, he could always buy Nick a stripper or a fancy watch instead. He's got a month left - he's sure he can come up with a decent surprise by then.

+

"Isn't it kind of late for a threesome, though?" Niall asks. They're both sunning by a resort's private rooftop pool in Madrid while Harry and Liam play with Lux in the water. The boys and their crew have exclusive access to the pool for the next day and a half, which means there's no risk of someone overhearing them, so Louis can complain about his threesome woes to his heart's content.

"What d'you mean?" Louis asks, fiddling with his phone. His mum has just Snapchatted him a stupidly adorable picture of baby Ernest in a One Direction bib with mashed avocado all over his face.

"Like, you've been exclusive for, what - a year? A year and a half? Won't it be weird?"

"We're both rational, modern adults," Louis says with a careless shrug. "I read an article about how threesomes can actually enhance trust in a relationship."

Niall raises his eyebrows. "So you don't trust him?"

"I _do_ trust him," Louis says. "This way, he can sow the last of his wild oats, but I'll _be_ there. It's a perfect arrangement."

"Whatever you say, mate," Niall says, clearly unconvinced.

+

"Remember that time Nick hated me for three whole months when he found out we'd drunkenly made out once before you two were even together?" Liam asks.

They're all on the bus after their second North American show, en route from Toronto to East Rutherford. Louis' ears are still ringing, and Harry, Niall, and Ashton are playing an incredibly loud game of Mario Kart in the front of the bus. Louis hasn't seen Zayn, but based on the smell, he's probably passing around a bowl with the other lads near the bathroom.

"He didn't hate you," Louis says automatically. It's not strictly true; Nick had been pretty stubborn when he found out about that, because he'd always just assumed any rumor of the boys hooking up was fake. It had been a cold dose of reality when Louis explained what went on during the Up All Night tour.

"Yes, he did," Liam says.

"Hey, remember that time you hated the Radio One intern who worked under Nick because you coerced Nick into drunkenly admitting that he thought he was cute?" Harry asks out of nowhere. Louis hadn't even known he'd been _listening_.

"Neither of those events are relevant," Louis sniffs. "This hypothetical threesome would take place in the context of a relationship. No one would have to get jealous."

"I once had a threesome - " Ashton begins, but Harry, who refuses to listen to a single detail of Ashton's love life after his maybe-sort-of relationship with Gemma, throws a pillow at his head before he can continue.

+

Louis realises he doesn't have an actual present for Nick on the 10th, four days before his birthday and three days before he's due to fly into Philadelphia. They're in Washington D.C. and there's no chance of going shopping - the response to the tour has been so insane that all trips have to be cleared with security days in advance - so that's how Louis finds himself pouring over Amazon at three a.m., the post-concert adrenaline fading into a steady panic.

Nick is pretty high maintenance, and thirty is a pretty huge milestone, so Louis knows he's got to do something huge. He'd set the bar too high last year - a signed Beyoncé vinyl can't be easily topped.

Panicking, Louis calls Harry, waking him up and demanding that he come over to Louis' hotel room. Harry does, frantic and out of breath, having thought something was wrong. Probably because Louis had cried "Help!" and then hung up the phone on him.

" _Jesus_ , Lou," he says, scowling. "I thought you said this was an emergency!"

"It is," Louis insists. "I don't - I mean - what am I supposed to get him, Harry?! I'm a shit boyfriend, he's going to realise it, and - and - "

Louis isn't crying, exactly, but he's working himself up to hysterics, and Harry notices, and if there's one thing that Harry can't stand, it's a crying Louis, so he immediately wraps Louis up in one of his huge, smothering hugs.

"It's okay, Lou," Harry says. "Nick loves you, you know that."

Louis sighs, because of course he knows that, because Nick loves everyone. He says it about five hundred times a day. Once Louis caught him telling it to the pizza delivery man when they'd both been hungover and craving greasy food, and that was before he'd even said it to Louis.

"I just wanted to give him a nice threesome," Louis says mournfully. He starts violently tearing at a loose string on the hotel comforter, wrapping it around his index finger and pulling until the skin is white. "But I can't even do that for him."

"If it's that important to you, I can help you try to find someone," Harry sighs.

Louis perks up at that, raising his eyes to meet Harry's. Harry looks resigned and reluctantly fond, like he knows this was Louis' plan all along.

"Awesome!" Louis says brightly, immediately pulling back from the embrace and sitting up straighter. "What do you think would be Nick's ideal threesome?"

Harry pretends to think it over. "Ideally I think it would involve himself, Frank Ocean, and Jared Leto."

Louis slaps him in the arm. "Okay. Think a little more accessible. And maybe include me."

"I dunno, Lou," Harry says. "We've never really talked about it. I don't think Nick has an overwhelming urge to even have a threesome in the first place."

"That's so - " Louis pauses and sighs, frustrated. "That's ridiculous. Who wouldn't want a threesome?"

"Maybe a guy who has been in a relationship for over a year and is satisfied with his sex life as it is?"

Louis thinks about that. It's true: he and Nick have a phenomenal sex life when they're in the same country. It had taken a while, but throughout the course of their relationship, they'd managed to work out what kinks got them both going and discover new things they like to do in the bedroom. Neither of them are exceptionally kinky, but Louis has invested in a couple pairs of handcuffs and a fair share of vibrators and paddles, and that has to count for _something_.

But Louis knows about Nick's past, about the supermodels and the casual sex and that one orgy that he'd stumbled his way into in East London. Louis hadn't been with very many guys before Nick - a few confused handjobs and a blowjob here or there had been the extent of his experience. And though Nick has certainly never complained about Louis' lack of experience, it's something that Louis thinks about a lot.

Louis knows that he's jealous by nature, but he thinks he could stomach watching Nick fuck or get fucked by another guy if he himself was going to get fucked by Nick only minutes after. The image of it makes his stomach twist nervously, because - What if Nick liked it _better_ , what if he came significantly faster, what if he realised Louis had no idea what he's doing? He knows he's just being dramatic, though - he's sure he can stamp down his weird insecurities for one night.

Ignoring Harry's suggestion, Louis goes on, "Maybe I could just find a hot guy on Grindr and make him sign a nondisclosure agreement."

Harry shakes his head at Louis like it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. "I'm sure you can find someone else," he says reasonably.

"I think I've waited too long," Louis says. "Like, even if I found someone we both know, they probably wouldn't be able to fly out to Philadelphia on such short notice, y'know?"

"Wait," Harry says, pulling away and actually gasping out loud like a scandalized nun. "You're - you're not planning on doing this in _three days_?"

Louis frowns. "It's his birthday present," he says dubiously.

"Christ, Louis," Harry says. "You can't just spring a threesome on somebody! It needs to be discussed and negotiated, you haven't even _asked_ Nick - "

"Because it's a _surprise_ ," Louis says. He hates when Harry patronizes him like this, because _Harry_ isn't the one who has been in a nearly-fully-functioning relationship for the better part of a year. Louis isn't completely daft about this stuff; he and Nick have a solid thing going.

Harry looks like he wants to keep arguing, but maybe he realises it's a lost cause, because he just sighs exasperatedly and says, "If you're so determined, then I'll do it."

And that is - something. Louis wants to immediately agree, because a mutual friend and someone they can trust is probably the best threesome option for one moderately famous person and a still-in-the-closet pop star, but Louis remembers the early years with Nick, and how insecure Nick and Harry's friendship had made him feel, and how there's always been some irrational part of his brain that wondered if Nick was aiming for Harry and settled for Louis instead. It's dumb, is what it is, but it's there.

"Aren't you seeing Daisy, though?" Louis asks carefully, not wanting to give himself away.

"Yeah," Harry says, shrugging. "But we're pretty open. I mean, she's cool with Zayn and I hooking up on tour, and she's good friends with Grimmy. I'll run it by her, but I think she'd be super into it, to be honest."

Louis isn't exactly in a position to say no, so he swallows his pride and says yes, because what are friends for if not occasional, casual threesomes?

+

Louis has talked it over with their handlers, and he's arranged for Nick to meet him at the hotel on the 13th immediately following their show. He'll have the entire day on the 14th to spend alone with Nick, until they've got their show at 8 pm and Nick has to fly back to London. In all, they've got about twenty-one hours. 

Louis has never been much of a planner, but he obsessively works over the schedule in his head the day before. Louis and Harry will arrive at the hotel after the show and take showers, and Louis will order a magnificent array of room service to have ready when Nick arrives. They'll have the threesome straight away, and then Harry will go back to his room and Nick and Louis will spend the rest of their time alone. 

Harry seems remarkably alright with this plan when Louis' tells him about it, especially for someone who had been so adamantly opposed to a threesome in the first place. He just smiles calmly and agrees, and Louis can't fight the feeling that Harry knows something that he doesn't. It bothers him, but he's got bigger things to worry about, like where to find wrapping paper so that he can wrap the rest of Nick's gifts: a wildly extravagant watch and a new leather jacket. 

Louis is seriously strung out during the first Philadelphia show, but he's been doing this for long enough now to know how not to let it show. He messes around with Zayn and tackles Niall to the ground at one point, and still manages to slay his solos. Harry doesn't seem at all perturbed about the fact that he's going to be engaging in coitus with two of his best friends in less than three hours, but then, Harry's rarely perturbed by anything. 

After the show, Liam and Niall agree to do fan service at the hotel while the rest of them head up to their rooms. Zayn, who almost definitely knows something is going on, claps Harry on the back and tells Louis to "have a nice night, idiot." 

By the time Louis gets back in his room and turns his phone back on, he's got three texts from Nick. 

_Just landed, see you soon xxxx_

_Or maybe not, the driver says we have to drive around for a couple of hours before it's safe to arrive at the hotel_

_I feel like a spy_

Louis rolls his eyes and takes a deep breath. People have threesomes all the time. This is, objectively, no big deal. It's going to make Nick happy, and that's really what it's all about. 

He orders the room service and takes a quick shower, and then goes about preparing the room. He lights a few candles - he's sure Harry will appreciate that touch, even if Nick will think it's lame - and places a tube of lube and a roll of condoms next to the bed. He's not wearing anything particularly sexy - just a pair of shorts and a tank top of Nick's - and he hopes Harry's not going to upstage him by showing up in something ridiculous, like a candy thong or assless chaps. 

He doesn't have to worry, because a few minutes later, Harry's knocking on the door. He's looking decidedly unsexy himself, in a pair of flannel pyjama pants and a long-sleeved white Henley. 

"This is a threesome, not a slumber party," Louis tuts, his voice wobbly and a little hysterical as Harry pushes past him to go sit at the desk. He starts munching on the tray of chocolate-covered strawberries, and Louis is too nervous to tell him to stop. 

"When's Nick arriving, then?" Harry asks as he idly checks his phone and props his feet up on the desk. If it's yoga that's making Harry this relaxed, then perhaps Louis ought to try that out for himself. 

"Dunno," Louis shrugs. "They've got him driving around the city. Reckon they want most of the fans to clear out before he arrives." 

Harry snorts. "Don't think they're going to be clearing out tonight. What entrance is he using?" 

"The kitchens, I think," Louis says. "They've got this whole back-up plan for if someone sees him. Saying he's coming to visit you, and doing some sort of radio segment." 

It strikes Louis, then, that Nick  _is_ coming to see Harry, in a twisted, round-about way. 

"That'll set the rags ablaze," Harry says nonchalantly. If he's ever cared about being romantically linked to Nick, he's never shown it, which is just another factor in this whole mess that has Louis chewing on his thumbnail nervously. 

"How do I look?" he asks Harry suddenly. It's a bit awkward, seeing as Louis' not generally particularly obsessed with his appearance and Harry knows that, but Louis figures he's going to have to get used to the awkwardness if he's about to have a threesome with him. 

Harry's face softens. "Lou," he says. "Nick has told me, on multiple occasions and once when he wasn't even pissed, that he thinks you're the fittest lad in all of London." 

Louis tries not to grin at that. "Well, we're in America now," he says lightly, just for the sake of saying anything at all. 

It's well past midnight when Nick finally arrives at the hotel. Judging by the screaming outside, the crowd hasn't cleared out, so Louis sincerely hopes his security team knows what they're doing. 

"Here goes nothing," he tells Harry anxiously. Harry still doesn't look nervous - he looks, if anything, a little amused. 

Not five minutes later, there's a frantic knock on the door, and then Nick is slipping inside, wearing all black, a pair of sunglasses that cover half of his face, and a beanie. He makes sure the door has snapped shut before removing his ridiculous disguise, grinning like he knows Louis' about to take the piss. 

He looks. He looks good, flushed and bright-eyed, no doubt the result of a few days of rare London sunshine. His hair is a little longer than Louis remembers, but when Louis quickly wraps his arms around Nick's waist and buries his face in the older man's chest, the smell is the same. It's the organic laundry detergent he insists on using that Louis claimed he hated when they first started unofficially living together, but Louis isn't too proud to admit it smells like home. 

"Hello, love," Nick says. It always strikes Louis, how different his voice sounds off the radio. Softer, and quieter, but with the same wry lilt to it. 

"Hi," Louis says, a little breathlessly, because Nick's leaned down to kiss him, which is ace, except Harry's still sitting in the corner of the room unacknowledged, and  _fuck_ , how does one seamlessly transition from greetings to a threesome? 

This is, Louis will admit, not his most thought out plan of all time. 

"Flight was hell," Nick's saying, pulling away from Louis to deposit his bag on the floor next to the bed. It's a huge duffel, completely bloated with supplies, because Nick is a complete diva that takes half his wardrobe for a two day visit. "Don't think I got a wink of sleep, and there was this adorably snuffly baby in the seat in front of mine, which was cute for the first couple of hours but then I started to feel, like, actually furious at an infant, which - Oi!" 

He's spotted Harry, who has still got his feet planted on the desk and a small smirk playing at his lips. Nick clutches his chest like a Victorian maiden, thoroughly spooked. 

"Christ, Hazza, d'you always sulk in corners like that?" Nick says. 

"Happy birthday, Grim," Harry says, and stands up to envelop Nick in a hug, which makes Louis twitchy. That's probably the first - or, well, hundredth - sign that this threesome isn't meant to be, but Louis isn't a quitter. 

"So. About your present," Louis says. He's trying to sound seductive, but Nick is just looking at him oddly, like he thinks Louis is about to have a stroke. He keeps glancing at Harry out of the corner of his eye, too, and then back at Louis as if to say,  _What the fuck is going on?_

"Thirty is a pretty big milestone," Louis says. He starts toying with the collar of Nick's button-up, and then attempts to undo the first few buttons with shaky hands. 

Nick frowns and places a stilling hand on top of Louis', before turning around to face Harry, who is turning red with what might be poorly-concealed laughter. 

"Alright, then, Haz," Nick says in a high-pitched, falsely casual voice. He gets really affected by Louis at the best of times, but since it's been nearly a month since either of them got laid, it's heightened a bit. "Nice seeing you, but I think - "

"He can stay," Louis says. He stands on his tiptoes and gives Nick a quick kiss, hoping to magically clue him in to what's going on. 

"Er," Nick says. He puts both hands on Louis' shoulders and holds him at an arms' length. "Daisy's told me you have a bit of an exhibitionist kink, Haz, but if this is some voyeurism thing, I've got to say, I'm not totally - "

"Oh my god," Louis says, mortified, because he knew he was dating an idiot but he didn't know it ran  _this_ strong. "Nick, Harry can  _stay_. As in, he can, you know,  _join_." 

Nick's face goes oddly blank at that, and for a moment Louis can convince himself he's dumbstruck with arousal, but then he seems to collect himself and he takes a long, calming breath. 

"Okay," Nick says. "So what you're saying is you've arranged a threesome with Harry? For my birthday?"  _  
_

"Yes," Louis says, incredibly relieved he's not going to have to go on about it. 

"Are you - are you insane?" Nick says, and he's not touching Louis anymore, opting instead to sit on the bed with his face in his hands.

"Um. What?" Louis asks carefully. 

"I'm turning thirty, Louis! I don't want a bloody threesome!" Nick snaps. When he looks up, Louis can't tell if he's angry or confused or amused or some mixture of the three. 

"That's what I  _told_ him you'd say," Harry says triumphantly, fist pumping the air. 

"But - you're always saying that you don't do crazy stuff anymore," Louis says. "You have a panic attack about growing older, like, once a week!" 

Nick looks vaguely murderous, or at least as murderous as he can look, which is not very. 

"Yes, and half of the time I'm panicking because I'm  _glad_ I'm getting old, and I'm afraid you're going to get  _tired_ of me - "

"That's  _ridiculous_ \- "

"You are both  _so dumb_  - "

Nick and Louis both snap their attention to Harry, who is still standing by the desk, currently popping another chocolate-covered strawberry in his mouth. He looks smug and serene, like he knew this would be the outcome all along. Which, Louis supposes now, he  _did_ know, and that's why Harry didn't act nervous or strange about it. 

"Get out!" Louis snaps, throwing a pillow at Harry, who cackles and exits the room with the rest of the strawberry tray. 

They're both silent for a bit, then, and Louis tries to wrap his head around this new development, because he knows Nick is insecure about the most ridiculous stuff, but he'd never really thought that Nick was afraid of Louis tiring of him. Nick's life always seems so glamorous, so exciting, and Louis is usually the one who feels like a bore in comparison. 

"I want, like, a dog," Nick says suddenly. 

"But you have - " Louis begins confusedly, only to be cut off abruptly. 

"I want a dog and a two-story house with a porch and I want a bloody sensible vehicle and two-point-five children who are complete  _idiots,_ like you," Nick says quickly. Nervously. "And I know you're, like, not there yet. But that's where I'm at, alright? That's what I'd prefer over a threesome." 

Louis exhales a  _whoosh_ , because that is more information than they've ever shared with each other. Of course, it's been over a year, and Louis has no interest in ever being with anyone else, but he's never thought of the particulars like that. 

"I want that, too," Louis says, because as soon as Nick's said it, he realises he  _does_ want that, the whole thing, he wants Nick to raise his children and try to turn them into filthy hipsters and introduce them to shitty music while Louis tries to teach them footie and how not to get beat up on the playground, and he doesn't want to share Nick. Ever. 

He goes to sit next to Nick on the bed, and for all that Nick still looks pissed off, he allows Louis to lean his head on his shoulder. 

"You know I can't - " Louis says. "It'd be unrealistic of me to promise that stuff right now. But - I want that. So maybe...on your thirty-fifth? We could discuss the, uh. The kid thing." 

Nick doesn't look at Louis, but he does knock their heads together and hum an agreement. 

+

Later, when Louis emerges from under the covers where he's just finished his _second_ blowjob of the night, Nick pulls him up gently by the hair and snogs him for a little while, a good enough sport not to cringe away from the taste of himself in Louis' mouth. 

"Just for future reference," Nick says when they both pull apart for air, "If you're going to arrange a threesome with your bandmates, I'm more of a Zayn guy."  

Louis gasps and launches himself at Nick's ticklish spots, and Nick rings in thirty giggling with his fit younger boyfriend, which is really all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: loupinoe


End file.
